Avatar

Ok, so tonight I am in the mood for royally criticising certain things that bug me and now its the turn of ‘Avatar’, or should I say ‘Crapatar’. I can fully understand how people found it visually spectacular, but surely James Cameron could have found a more inventive script. For those of you who do live in the dark ages, Avatar has been increasingly linked to Pocahontas. I can see the resemblance. A army of men go to a new world in order to conquer it and to take it for all its worth. The only difference is that it is set a few hundred years in the future, and the main characters resemble elongated smurfs on ecstasy, or maybe just LSD. The only redeeming feature of this film was its clever use of CGI which ultimately does make it shine above the rest of films that are out there at the moment. But we do have to think carefully as to why we love this film so much, why it has taken so much money. It has nothing to do with the plot, the visual effects or even the fact that the master money maker James Cameron has made it, we flock to see it because we get to wear some trendy cool 3D glasses. The film is big because of the fact it is in 3D and now its à la mode. I bet you even got really excited when you sneakily kept your glasses, I know I did as it was the most exciting part of the film for me…..apart from the end when the blooming film finished!!!

Farmville

I don’t care about Farmville, nor will I ever care about Farmville. It is the most ludicrous application that I have seen so far for Facebook and it seems that more and more people are getting hooked onto this moronic application. Go and see a real bloody farm if you are that interested. Who can remember when Facebook was about keeping in contact with old friends for college and University. Now, it’s just a chav central where every other episode of Jeremy Kyle has some council house trash muttering about how they were violently abused by someone on Facebook calling them an Oompa Loompa!! Not cool for school!

Esertia

So, its been a while since I last posted on here and all I can say is that there has been a definite change in myself. I finally bit the bullet and decided to get some professional help regarding the way I have been feeling recently. I have to say, if it weren’t for some rather important people in my life right now giving me so much support and guidance, I would still be in the awful predicament that I was in before.
I cannot say that now I have medication that I feel 100% better, because it takes weeks for a reaction to surface, but I can honestly say that I feel ever so much more positive about my outlook on life. Just the little things like waking up in the morning without being so disgustingly vile to my partner is just one of the small benefits that we have been seeing. I feel like I am more in control of what is going on in my head and how it surfaces, I feel like I am finally the alpha female of my body. A strange connotation I know, but sometimes its like there are 10 of me inside bursting and trying to escape. So for the moment I can feel some sort of stability until the medication really kicks in and I can get a better sense of how this all works.
I can honestly say that over the last few weeks, my mind has been wandering left, right and centre and even though I find my trains of thought more straight and solid, I always find my mind wandering back to the same old conundrums. And, in a way, I would rather not loose those thoughts, as they keep me somewhat happy.

Tomorrow is a new day

The last week has been somewhat hellish for me inside the angst ridden messed up head of mine. I had had such aweful urges of self hatred and loathing that I have decided that enough is enough. It was hard enough to concede that I am in fact more than a little bit on the nutty side, but on a serious note, it was even harder realising that I now may need some professional help. Tomorrow, I am going to talk to my Doctor about how I have been feeling during the last few years, especially over the last few months. I do not expect him to put me on medication, or to do anything rather drastic, but what I am expecting is some concrete advice about what is happening to me and what I can do to make it go away, or just to live with it better. To say that I have been unhappy is an understatement. The deeo feeling of sadness has been rushing throughout my veins for years, and I feel so sorry for those who have had to suffer at the hands of my awful mood swings and nasty, offensive comments. With these feelings comes a great sense of insecurity and lack of self belief and I want this to change. I never used to be like this. I used to be a nice person. I will now use this blog to charter my impending progress….wish me luck.

A better day

Of all the days this week, today has definitely been the best. I woke feeling ok, although the dreaded Tinnitus did raise its ugly head. I don’t feel that I slept all that well and I think thats what contributing to the constant buzzing. I guess what I mea to say is that this wave of darkness seems to have momentarily disappeared and I do feel all the more positive for it. I haven’t felt the need to shout at anyone, or get myself too down. Upon leaving the house, my poor old long suffering partner didn’t get the usual barrage of abuse that has become so frequent, as it happens, I was quite polite. Even in work today, I didn’t feel like everything was getting on top of me like it usually does, and I tried to make a conscious effort to not let the stress of work or of others’ actions get to me. I do work with some complete imbeciles it has to be said. I find that the more I disagree with such people in this professional environment, the more angry I become. I know that being a teacher is very stressful, but it really is one of the most rewarding jobs there is. Watching a child academically and personally develop is a fantastic feeling, and to know that you were part of that makes it all the better. What I cannot stand are these teachers in my school who decide that they are too good to have to supervise play time or lunch time as it’s ‘technically’ in the job description. Well, actually is. Being a teacher is about providing a certain level of care, and if you cannot even be bothered to make sure that you’re students don’t hurt themselves or get bullied, then you’re in the wrong job. A teacher who doesn’t care about their students isn’t a teacher at all and is little more than an over paid childminder, with fewer redeeming qualities. It bugs me, it really does. There are very few of us in my school who actually make an effort, and try to provide level of care and education that they possibly can. Now, I’m not suggesting at all that I am on the positive side of the equation, but I do try my best and it angers me to the core to see other ‘teachers’ ignoring children who have behavioural problems or would rather watch a child not eat for want of playing with the mobile phones It’s just not appropriate. I just find it frustrating and would dread to think what I would do as an angry parent in this very situation. Rant over. On the whole, today has been very positive. I only found myself getting angry a few times, and I cam home rather happy (I blame it on the bag of sweeties). Although we did receive some bad news that poor old Nick will be off work for at least another week. I feel bad for him, as he just wants to get back to work, and I want him to too. He is an active person so this is completely debilitating for him. I tried to make him a bit happier by buying him a can of 19 cents coke, it did the job! He is now a happy panda once more. In general, I really can;t complain about how my messed up head has been treating me, I have been ignoring it quite successfully. I only have some inner demons left to battle tonight, but I’m sure they will be confronted in dreams!

Wednesday – Middle of the week

This getting up early business is not good for me, especially when I feel like I have a high speed train whistling through my left ear. Oh the Joy that the tinnitus is back, oh how I did miss it. I WILL NOT let it get the better of me, hopefully. So, how am I feeling today? The only answer that I can give is ‘not all there’. Today has gone by as if I were watching it from afar, or from through a window as I feel like whatever I did wasn’t correct and that was self-consciously correcting myself. Weird much? Try being inside my head. The wave of calmness that I have been portraying so well during these last few weeks is starting to disappear rather quickly, and the dragon lady has officially returned! I cannot keep the anger in anymore, and i cannot keep the negativity in either. Its all going to come out. All of it. I need to hit something, hard. I need to shout at someone, loud. Are there any volunteers? It seems that everyday a dilemma emerges or gives me reason to worry or stress out, even doubt myself as a teacher and human being. Today has been no different. Every time I take one step forwards, I always end up taking 3 steps back and I feel like I am back in the same place I was roughly a year ago. Confused. I want to be able to sort this birds nest mess of a brain out and be able to file m thoughts into neat little piles, like in office stacks as it were. That would be easy, but oh no, my head has to just go and chuck everything up in the air and the churn it about hurricane style. Not helpful. I have spent many a night trying to reorganise my head over the last week and I feel like I’m getting nowhere. If not for anyones sake but my own I need to be able to coherently explain myself, I feel like I let everyone down. Today, is the worst day I have had in a long time. Looks can be deceiving, I smiling on the outside…..

coming or going?

The title is a clue about a what I’m going to be randomly going on about today. These last few days I don’t know if I have been coming or going. My emotions have been going on this seemingly never ending roller-coaster, and I really want to get off it. The weekend started off ok, I mean who’s weekend doesn’t start of great. I mean, there is the promise of two whole days without work, stress free days and the the opportunity to do what you like, when you like. Somehow though, for me, this just didn’t happen and the wave of dark and meaningless sensations swept over me and I was incapable of being able to control them. I feel like they are winning. with hindsight, it did start off relatively good, I got a haircut and felt good about myself for a while. But then once my partner started being nice to me, all I could muster up was insults and incessant groans. In my head, that its not what I want to do or say, in fact I want to be doing the complete opposite and I wish I were able to control this better and I do feel like it is really starting to take over my body. I worry myself about being worried, I get anxious about being anxious but worst of all, I get stressed about becoming stressed and its making me ill. I am now convinced that the reason I suffer with tinnitus is because I am stressing myself out too much. I tried a trick over the last few weeks that with my students I would take a calmer approach. I made sure that I did not let my anger get the better of me, and I would be more proactive in keeping the students calmer by using a calmer tone of voice and body language. The strange thing is, when I was practicing these approaches, the tinnitus got better, and almost completely disappeared. However, al my moodiness that came with would not go and I think the more I got angry with myself not being able to get rid of this anger, the tinnitus just came back even strong. I am now taking to reading before I go to sleep to ensure that I sleep better and that I am nice an relaxed. We shall see how this one develops, I still have mu fingers crossed for a more than happy ending. This weekend in itself has been very stressful. My partner seriously damaged his ankle, and although I felt so bad for him and was worried to a certain point, there was this sense of ease that I felt which I know I shouldn’t have had. I felt as if I didn’t care. Knowing me, if thats how I felt, then thats how it probably looked like to my partner as well. I found it hard to be nice and comforting, taking more pride in calling him horrible names and claiming how unfair on me it is that I have to clean up around him. I know this is wrong, I know I shouldn’t be doing and saying all these, and ultimately I don’t mean it. This is what I began with, my head says one thing and my body does another, and I feel that there is no way to stop it. I feel boxed in.

Still Melancholic….yup

Ok, so I thought today was maybe going to be a better day. I thought I would wake up feeling all revitalised after having written in the blog yesterday,but all I can say is that I feel so much worse. It all started when I woke up with the horrible tinnitus, something which has been plaguing me for months I thought I had it under control as it had disappeared for a few days. Alas, no. The bugger came back. So, just from waking up , my mood was set to negative borderline grumpy. I just wanted to throw everything against the walls until they smashed into tiny little pieces. I know it wouldn’t have solved anything but I’m sure that it would have momentarily made me feel less agitated for sure. From that moment on, my day got progressively worse. Not only did I find that I was taking out my frustrations on my students, but also on other colleagues. I was just irritable all day, and I cannot really fathom out what was causing all this irritation. It’s getting to the point now where I don’t know why I feel so down, I can’t even pinpoint a single set moment where it may have all started. I wish I could so it would all just disappear in a puff of smoke, yes, that would be lovely. I feel sad for my students who had to put up with me today, and I’m expecting a barrage of abuse from parents complaining about my lack of compassion. Maybe one day I will get this seen to. I need help. I have spent most of the day thinking about recent events, how I feel about them, and truth be known, I have no idea how I feel about them and what I intend to do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m in no way overly unhappy with the way things are pandering out, but I feel I could have more, I need more, I want more. This evening has been particularly hard, all I have wanted to do is cry most of the evening. Ignoring those who care about me. But he deeper I get into this depression, the less they seem to understand and the the less they seem willing to put up with me. It breaks my heart. I need some support. Even now, we have booked a mini-break to Barcelona, I cannot begin to feel happy. I know I ought to be feeling elated as it’s a city that I have always wanted to visited. yet, the emotions just don’t come out, I cannot embrace them. Fingers crossed for a better day tomorrow, I feel like I deserve it.

Melancholic….

I guess this is the first time that I have written on this blog for a long time, and I think I have finally fathomed out its purpose. You know the days where you get so hyped up with emotion, and the fear of telling it to your friends only makes it worse? Well I guess I am going to take to this blog to vent some of my anger, some of the feelings. I know it sounds strange, but this will be a really cathartic exercise for me. I think it’s necessary. So, the last few days I have felt really melancholic, and I don’t know why. I mean, I am sure that there is a reason and I couldn’t probably search deep within myself to find the answer, but for now I have to concede that my mind is a great big bloody mess and I don’t know whether I am coming or going. I try to think where all this sadness, almost depression like state started but quite frankly I have no idea. I often feel that my time here in Spain is what is making me feel so depressed, but how so when I love my job so much. I cannot get my head around these feeling and there are times where I just want to drown my sorrows, or even just myself. I know that sounds harsh and also quite pathetic, but this darkness is quite scary and I would much not have it at all. Man, these feeling suck. Its bizarre as I have days of being completely happy and elated, yet within seconds I can change into being grumpy or even tearful. Thats not me, well, that was never me and I HATE the way this is making me act and making me feel. I guess it time to assess the situation, take a positive step and find a way to resolve the situation. I couldn’t think of anything worse than going to a complete stranger and releasing all these private emotions. I bet they judge you whilst you are talking, I bet they think that we are all crazy people. I would never be able to trust them, if they were giving me right advice or just trying to fleece me for all the money I have. And also, what could they possible know about, how would they know if I were to give them false information. I am two minds, I need some advice from those who suffer the same, or who can understand my points of view. I guess tomorrow is another day. I will try to be more positive, and reassess how I am feeling. I know there is a reason, an underlying cause which is making me feel in such a negative way. But have I always been like this? I don’t know, all I know is that this is making me feel unwell, unhealthy. Its needs to change, I need to change.

Betrayal

Betrayed

Admitting that your personality is not always of a cheery disposition is never easy to do, but I can admit that. Recognising problems within friendships is hard enough to concede, yet I concede that one of my friendships has gone awry. Endevouring to find a resolution in itself is hard enough, but actually embarking upon that resolution is even harder, and that I tried. However in this world, there are those who would rather cause problems between mutual friends and otracise those with whom they have said predicament. Needless to say, pressurising those who are impartial to the situation not only displays weakness, but a severe unwillingness to confront the issue with those truly concerned. Making others feel awkward and obliged to lie is not a redeeming quality, it’s offensive. Similarly, vindicating people (who had no prior knowledge) with no just cause is disturbing. I can imagine what anyone reading this will say; “Why is she blogging instead on confronting the situation?” The situation only became apparent to myself not even 12 hours ago, after having passed a rather pleasing evening with said person. I am hurt, saddened and sickened by the duplicitousness of this person, someone I thought was a friend and colleague. Honesty is worth its weight in gold, and after recent events, this person is as light as a feather.